Prelude: It’s been a while since the Quiet Kid has been able to scream at you all. Between dealing with a horrible case of writers block and adjusting some aspects of the real world, I’ve been missing. But fear not, I’ve finished all of the half written posts that I’ve been ready to let out to the world. Today, with Valentines day around the corner, some of you may be feeling left out. And maybe not understand why. But fear not, I’m here to help both the ladies and gentlemen understand why you are alone. And how in the coming future, you can reverse your fortunes with my help. 5 reasons why you are a single man and 5 reasons why you are a single woman. Today, it’s ladies first. Tomorrow, the fellas get their turn.
So, Ladies. It’s 3 weeks away from that big day in the middle of February. One of the first of the Big 4 holidays (unless you birthday is in January, then it’s the second). V-Day. The day of Roses, and Chocolates and Hearts and all that other sentimental nonsense. But you find yourself not only without a Valentine but alone altogether. Been a while since you got that loving good morning text? Got that after work back rub? Been some time since the kitty has purred? No fear, The Quiet Kid in the corner has the remedy to get you the somebody to get you through your day. These 5 tips will get you moving in the right direction:
1) Stop the man bashing
Yes, ladies. We notice the subliminals on the social networks. The conversations at the bar you have with your girls. “where all the real men at?” Yes, we hear those things. And we hate it. We aren’t responsible for the men you dated before us. We aren’t the cause for what you see on TV. We can only be what life has made us. If that means we turned out to be great, so be it. If we turned out to be worthless, so be it. But placing a generalization on a man before he even opens his mouth is the 2nd biggest turnoff you can do (we’ll get to the 1st later on). I will be the first to say its a difference between “niggas” and “men”. If you want a real “nigga”, that’s exactly what you will get. If you want a real “man”, that’s exactly what you will get. But attacking males as a whole, will make sure you get nothing but a bunch of other lonely females to share your misery with, not a man.
2) Expand your vocabulary and your mind
And I don’t mean beating us in the head with a thesaurus. But stop making abbreviations and expressions for everything. Know how to hold an intelligent conversation. The one nickname I can guarantee 80-85% of men hate being called is “Bae”. WHAT IN THE HELL IS A BAE?!?! It makes a man sound like he’s a 3 year old kid. It’s enough abbreviated nicknames that you don’t have to add another one. Also, if you want your man to talk more, find more things to talk about. Find more things you can both relate to. If he can’t watch football, you can’t watch Scandal. If you hate that he watches ESPN, you stop watching Love and Hip Hop. Try to find shows that both interest you. Learn what he’s into outside of sports and reach into that. He may actually give your things a try. Most men are willing to learn from their woman if the woman actually can reach something in them worth learning. Let that translate into other areas of the relationship. When you attend formal dinners, meet with friends or coworkers, show off your diversity. Speak on issues that matter, not the latest episode of what’s on TV. Women often claim to be smarter than men. Men are usually just waiting for you to prove it.
3) Stop looking for that Idris Elba/Tupac crossbreed. He doesn’t exist.
Just like women don’t like being compared to other women, men feel the exist same way. Stop expecting prepackaged perfection. He’s not going to be a sophisticated thug. He’s not gonna magically changed from a suit and tie, upstanding gentleman to the hardcore gangster at the snap of a finger, Shazam style. The thing about life is that all people aren’t created equal. Some look better than others. Some are better people than others. End up in better situations than others. But if have an expression I use when I look at what I’m attracted to: It’s called “Know your number”. The Know Your Number philosophy is when you take an honest grade of yourself and find others of the opposite sex with 3 numbers of that range. If you are a 7, stay in the 6-8 range. If you are a 9, stay in the 8-10 range. If you are a 4, stay in the 3-5 range. Because once you go outside your range, in either direction, you are straying outside of the comfort zone. If you are a 10, going out with a 5, it creates unnecessary attention. Unnecessary gossip. It won’t seem like it’s about the relationship. And dont fool yourself. If you not a 10, don’t lie to yourself and believe you are a ten. A man will make you feel like more than a 10 if you are confident in your own skin. Embrace your number.
4) Accept him as he comes. Work with him to get better.
This comes from the famous woman cliche “I want a a God-Fearing, Church-Going man”. Remember earlier when I mentioned the second biggest turnoff for a man? This is the 1st. The one thing a man hates is a woman who won’t accept him as he comes. If the motto of the Christian Church is to “come as you are”, why don’t the members of that church apply the same lesson? It’s a difference between changing a man and making him better. Change is saying that what he is doing is wrong. And some men look at change as your way of saying he isn’t enough. And you’ve lost him from the beginning. But making him better, is different. It’s taking what he does well and growing with it. And taking what he doesn’t do well and working with him to make him do it better. It’s all in the wording. He may develop into the god fearing man you want, if you work with him to do it. He may be the lover and not the fighter, if you show him what love is. Just like women, men have been hurt too. And some of them need support to rebuild that feeling. And he may be strong where you are weak. The best relationships have that balance. The ability for 2 people to compliment each other. If he works at Mcdonalds, that’s a start. Work with him. Show him another way and support him in it. And if it doesn’t work, don’t get discouraged. Keep going. If not this man, the next one. The Law of Averages say that enough chances produces a winner. And that winner will make you forget all about those losers.
5) Remember what you did to get him. Because that’s what will keep him.
This is probably the most important of all the things. Because this is where so many relationships lose their fire. In the beginning, all the late night phone calls, wild sex in strange places, random moments. Those are what keep the relationship healthy. Those are what make him want to see you all the time. Want to brag about you. Want to buy those nice things. Human nature tends to lag into complacency. Repetition makes one mentally lazy. And once you become mentally lazy, it translates into physical laziness. And laziness is not constructive for any environment. Do everything you do in the first 2 months, in the first 2 years. And the first 2 years into the next 10 years. If you keep the relationship fresh and exciting, he will too. If you wore the schoolgirl outfit the first time, come back with something even fresher the next time. If you went to The Cheesecake Factory on that random Tuesday, go to UNOs that random Wednesday. Remind him why those other women won’t bring what you bring. What make you unique. And who you are. Because as the expression goes, what you won’t do, somebody else will.
*Bonus* Understand that it’s a shortage of good men, so if you get one do what it takes to keep him.
Women often are under the impression that it’s a million men that would want them. That’s not necessarily true. You may end up with someone. Doesn’t make them a man. If you have a person who has a good heart, a good drive, accepts your flaws, makes your feel wanted, be sure to return that same favor. Because it’s a fierce completion out here and women are more ruthless then the men. For every good man, it’s 100 women ready to take aim at him for themselves. A good man won’t leave a good home. If he left a good home, he wasn’t a good man. And it’s a difference between a good house and a good home. A good house looks good on the outside. It has all the appearance of a good home. Until you see what’s really inside. A good home has it all. Don’t allow outsiders to dictate your relationship. Because not everyone has your best interest. Loyalty is everything. There is no love like real love. Make your love real. Until next time……. Signing off….